How I came to be

I am a freshly twenty-one year old college student, with a better than great Mother that has always loved me unconditionally and a Father who loves me so much he will do anything in (and out) of his power just to make his little girl happy.  I have always been surrounded by amazing friends, that have supported me, cried with me, and laughed at my jokes that aren’t usually that funny. I have nothing to complain about in life, and sometimes forget to thank God every day for all of the blessings he has given me. Instead, I often find myself yelling at God and doubting him because of all the hardships I’ve been put through so far in my short life. I have a big heart, often worrying about the way others feel instead of myself, which is good- until it starts to take it’s toll on my personal, mental, and physical health. I am rather stubborn (you can thank my Mother!), which can  help and hurt my relationships with people. However, I am grateful that my stubborn mind gives me the ability to have my own opinion and the ability to refuse others to pressure me into something I don’t agree with. I find myself to be an attractive young woman, with a lot of energy and always showing off my big smile and slightly crooked teeth (wear your retainers, kids). With all of the great in my life, I have had a lot of hard times that have tested my state of being. My parents divorced when I was fourteen, and as all divorced couples do, they will always continue to have their disagreements, and as I get older- they have slowly grown into being my problem as well. Luckily, I have learned to answer both phone calls, let each of them vent to me their side of the story while the words go in one ear and out the other, remind them I love him and go about my life. Money was tight for a long time after the divorce, but we all did our best and made it out alive. Then, my exciting, senior year of high school as I was preparing to plan and begin the next big chapter of my life, I was forced to bury two friends both due to suicide, one closer to me than the other, but that doesn’t make the grieving any easier. I was with one of my friends the night he died and the last thing he said to me was, “I love you Jomo! I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” The words still ring in my head every day. I went off to college with a plan to overcome my past and create a new future by meeting all new people who didn’t need to know what I had been through recently. The plan was going great, and I really only kept in contact with my very closest childhood and high school friends. I still had ups and downs over the next couple years, but the extreme hardships came back when my dog died in March of 2014. He had been cuddling me since I was in 4th grade (ironically, the same year I met Anna). Then, two weeks later, my longest closest best friend, Anna, the one friend that I had no doubt in my mind would be with me until I was a hundred years old, died of a heroin overdose.

This page began when I was laying in bed at 1:15am, angry at my best friend in heaven, trying to figure out what I’m going to do the rest of my life without her. I would never wish upon my worst enemy to lose their best friend. It is the worst pain I have ever felt, and I’ve felt plenty of pain in the past… but not like this. I had no idea how I was going to get through this one. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Anna was the only true stability I had throughout my entire life. She was gone and I had no idea who I was anymore. I spent the months after her death hiding from the world, trying to soak in her death and understand why this keeps happening to me over and over. I didn’t know how I was going to keep living without her.  I was yelling at her in my head about what the heck I’m supposed to do now. All I want is her back and for no one else to experience the pain I was. But how am I, little me, going to do anything to make such a big difference for anyone- and this blog is what she came up with. So, here I am…


One thought on “How I came to be

  1. Oh Jordon. Sorry sorry sorry for your deep hurt and loses.
    By Jesus and all who know you.
    I’ll pray for you and your family.
    HE will take care of you.

    Merilee ❤️

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